I hate women. Now, before I get flamed for such a rash statement, let me start from the beginning.
I don't hate women. In fact, it's the exact opposite. So what's the deal with that sudden outburst of feeling? Allow me to explain.
The trouble all started early last week. Monday to be exact. You see, my college holds a semi-formal banquet once a year in the spring. Being that it's my last year of college, I knew that I was going to go (it's just one of those things). Naturally, I can't go by myself...that's just lame. And it's also lame for a guy to go with other guys. Sorry, it just is. Girls can get away with it if they don't get asked, but I guy who goes with a group of guys is really just lame. Plus, I had a girl in mind that I wanted to go with. So, I asked her. I was all cool as a mountain stream and suave like the shampoo. I went up to her, and was like, "Hey." And her knees buckled and her heart skipped several beats because the Piebald Penguin had noticed that she existed. Obviously she agreed to go to the banquet with me. I mean, it's the Piebald Penguin we're talking about. It's not so much about asking, as it is about pointing the finger towards the lucky lady who gets to accompany me....
Anyways....
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| This is me, just chilling on my bike |
So I asked and she agreed. And this weekend I was thinking about it. And I decided that I really needed to fix some things about myself. Namely, my lack of muscle tone. Basically I'm a combination between a little boy and a toothpick. My friends joke that when I turn sideways, I disappear. And that's just unacceptable at this point in my life. So, I did what any guy my age would do. I went to the gym and started working out. Now, this week has not been particularly kind to me. I've been feeling like crap the last four or five days. But did I let that stop me? No, of course not. I needed to work out to make sure that the girl was at least a little impressed. Sigh. Today was especially bad. All my muscles are in pain, my eyes shut, regardless of what's going on, and I've been suffering from allergies. But I knew that if I didn't at least go to the gym today, then I wouldn't ever make it back. And again, it's all about making the right impression, right? So I promised myself that I would go and just run a mile and be done (I really was just feeling awful). I got to the gym and noticed an empty treadmill. I trudged over to it. On my way there, I saw a girl that's in one of my classes. She's one of those girls who I know...just not very well...like I don't think I've ever had a conversation with her outside of class, but we both started the same year, so there's some familiarity. At any rate, she was in the gym, using an elliptical. I thought to myself, "great, I hate working out around people I know". But I got on the treadmill and started running. As my mile marker was approaching, I realized that I wasn't going to be able to just run a mile. It came down to this: I couldn't let her think that I was some kind of sissy. She certainly doesn't know that I'm tired enough to fall over where I'm standing and really shouldn't be in the gym at all. But I did what any sane man would do. I started working out in earnest. By the time she finally left the gym, I was ready to die. My arms hurt, my legs hurt, my everything hurt. And it's all her fault. So now you can see why I hate women. They make me do incredibly stupid things. I still think it was a bad idea, although I feel a little better now.
~The Piebald Penguin
